The Back-Scratch Plaque

January 2, 2012

Wow! Day two! Look at me fulfilling 2/365ths of my goal for this year!

Recently I started reading a blog entitled "Confessions from a Mormon Bachelor Pad" which chronicles the lives, times and adventures of 5 or 6 young, single Mormon guys. The themes deal heavily with what it's like in the Mormon world of dating, and particularly, making out as much as possible.

They've included some true statements about Mormon guys, hilarious stories that any LDS guy can relate to and they've made me notice the similarities between their house and my own mormon bachelor pad of 4 guys and the countless dudes that pass through our doors uninvited but very welcome. One of my favorite lines from their blog is: "I've decided to propose to the first girl who scratches my back during Sacrament Meeting without being asked." After clearing it with 3/4 dudes at our pad we've decided that that statement should be printed on over-priced paper (...y'know that stuff they print pictures on? Yeah, that stuff!), laminated by a Japanese laminator who has learned the secrets of lamination from his samurai great grandfather, framed in an over-priced frame and hung in our ward building for all the chicks to see! There is far too much asking going on! ...how much more obvious can we make it when we're leaning forward "reading scriptures"? This will eliminate the unmarried population of the church altogether!

That being said: I've laughed a great deal at their blog and empathized with a lot of the stories that they tell but I've been a little disappointed with their actions being attached to the "Mormon Returned Missionary" stereotype. For example a line that struck me like a bogey flavored jelly bean (gotta love the nerdy Harry Potter references) was this: "After we've made out a few times, I realize that I was only interested in her for "the chase". Once I've caught her and we've made out, I'm done."

The whole "make-out, take names later" thing and their idea that girls are just a name to add to a list is way disheartening to me! Don't get me wrong: I'm not perfect! I've had my fair share of dumb moments, not with kissing but with a little mid-movie cuddling or having my fingers intertwined and laced with some girl's fingers like a french braid on picture day...but it wasn't for the sake of adding a name to my list and it wasn't without respect for said chick.

I think the reason this strikes home for me is because I JUST gave a lesson on this in our elders quorum meeting yesterday! The lesson was about the dudes respectin' the chicks and not having the kissing mentality of "If she has a heart beat then she's for me!" ...and sometimes I wonder if for some guys the whole heart beat thing is not a requirement but a nice bonus. In fact I found the blog as I was prepping the lesson. I laughed way hard and even shared some of their stories with the elder dudes.

They stopped writing the blog almost two years ago...in my glass is half full/"that girl totally lost my number, that's why she hasn't called me" optimistic mentality I bet they got married and there are no more bachelors at said pad. They all have little one year olds running around and they lived happily ever after, right? ...I want to continue their legacy with a blog by the five or six bachelors that reside at our pad but with a perspective from dudes whose list of girls kissed does not fill up an entire Lisa Frank trapper-keeper.
Lesson learned: chicks, we dudes love you and respect you...unless you go on a date with us and do any of the following things: grab your belly fat and jiggle it for us, insist on popping one of our pimples, talk about how your ex-boyfriend took you to red lobster and wonder aloud why we won't (There's a good reason "ex" is the prefix to boyfriend on that one), tell us about your lifelong goal to make out with Eminem or say "you're like a less cute version of my ex but you'll do!"

(Note: all above things happened at least once to one of us.)